Friday, February 26, 2010

eduKayt's Tip of the Weekend 2/26/10: TigerText?!

For all you cheating tigers out there, this iPhone app can save your fucking cheating hide! Install TigerText on your iPhone and once you send a text message to your mistress, it will DISAPPEAR after the time period you set! It won't stay in your mistress' cell or in yours! It will disappear forever and you will get away with all kinds of shit. I don't condone cheating... but if you're gonna cheat, fucking do it right.

Consider yourself eduKayted.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

eduKayt's Tip of the Day 2/25/10: Show Me the Money, Uncle Sam!

For all you sluts who haven't filed their taxes yet, keep these fucking tax credits in mind! You could get MAD BENJAMINS back from Uncle Sam!

1) Buy a house by April 30, 2010 and you can get a huge refund! $8Gs for first time home buyers and $6,500Gs for non-first timers who have lived at their current residence for 5+ years! If you already filed your 2009 taxes, file a fucking amended return to collect your cash!

2) If you're a student and you make $80Gs or less then you can file a credit for up to $2500!!!! Make Uncle Sam pay for all those classes you fucking fall asleep in!

3) If you've made energy-efficient upgrades to your home, you can claim up to 30% of those fucking upgrades!!!

4) If you bought a NEW car from February 17, 2009 until December 31, 2009, you can claim the taxes you paid on that fucking car! So if you traded in your CLUNKER for a new car, claim the taxes you paid on that new beast!

Consider yourself eduKayted.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

eduKayt's Tip of the Day 2/24/10: Always Be Prepared!

If you are one of the lucky ones picked to report for jury duty, come fucking prepared! Most likely you will sit in a room from 8AM - 5 PM! The court does not provide food or beverages so BRING YOUR OWN! And they don't provide entertainment! Unless you can get the hot girl sitting next to you to start giving free lap dances, you better bring something to do. Books, magazines, crayons, darts, or anything that will keep you occupied bring it. And bring some bottled water and snacks so you don't have to pay for them at the vending machine.

Consider yourself eduKayted.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

eduKayt's Tip of the Day 2/23/10: Go Take a Nap!

A new study came out that says if you take an afternoon nap, your brain is better prepared to absorb information. So go take a fucking nap! You can power nap it at 20 minutes or go for a full nap for 90 minutes. If you're at the office, just print out this entry and tape it to your door or your fucking forehead and take a nap at your desk. Those gel-filled keyboard and mouse pads make great pillows!

Consider yourself eduKayted.

Monday, February 22, 2010

eduKayt's Tip of the Day 2/22/10: 45 Days!

Thanks to the brand spanking new credit card laws, you have to receive 45 days notice before those fuckers can change your interest rates! This is a day to celebrate and go buy tons of shit! Whatever your current interest rate is, it can't change whenever the credit card companies feel like it! They have to give you 45 days notice... otherwise they're headed to the slammer! If your interest rate is something insane like 30%, try calling the credit card companies and talking them down. If you always pay on time, etc these things can work in your favor! And if some bitch answers the phone and starts laughing at the thought of lowering your rate, ask to speak to someone else! Most of the time THIS WORKS but no one does it! And you can hang up with a lower interest rate!

Consider yourself eduKayted.

Friday, February 19, 2010

eduKayt's Tip of the Weekend 2/19/10: Bug Off!

Happy fucking Friday! While you're out tonight at the bar getting drunk and telling all of your sexy co-worker stories from the week, know that you're not the only one celebrating the weekend. In your carpet, in your corners, outside your front door, and even in your BED are BUGS! These little fuckers are everywhere and no matter what you do, you will always get bugs inside your house. Well at least you can minimize their entry and put a kibosh on their little parties! Get yourself down to your local hardware store or Home Depot and grab some bug spray... exterminator style. I do this once every six months in order to lock down my fortress. Get a one gallon container with an attached spray nozzle and walk around your house like John Goodman!

Consider yourself eduKayted.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

eduKayt's Tip of the Day 2/18/10: Give It Up!

It's that time of year again.... LENT! Here we are in day 2 of lent and are you still trying to figure out what to give up? Well let me give you some fucking tips:

1) Give up that morning cup of coffee! Screw the latte and you could save $3 a day for 46 days of lent for a total of $138!!!!! That's a whole lotta jesus money right there!

2) Bring your fucking lunch to work! If you spend $10 on lunch Monday through Friday, you could save $330!!!! There's nothing wrong with brown bag lunches filled with peanut butter and jelly sandwiches or your favorite ice cold 40!

3) Give up paying for parking! You don't need fucking valet! Park on the street and walk your ass to wherever you need to go! If you spend $15 a week on parking, you can save $97.50!!!!

4) Give up your first born! You'll save a shit load of money on college tuition, not to mention food!!!

Consider yourself eduKayted.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

eduKayt's Tip of the Day 2/17/10: Check That Statement!

Listen up, bitches. Starting next week (or even sooner), credit card companies will start releasing different statements. And they'll make you want to fucking cry! But it will be a good kind of cry like when you're watching lions eat gazelles and shit. New laws were passed forcing credit card companies to do the following:

1) Write everything in a normal FONT size! What will you do with all those fucking magnifying glasses?!

2) Interest charges should be highlighted, not BURIED!

3) Now near the "minimum payment" amount, you will also see the length of time it will take you to pay off your fucking card if you only pay the minimum! We all know ALWAYS PAY MORE THAN THE MINIMUM! Or those fuckers will own you for life! Well now it will say exactly how many months it will take to pay off your card at certain rates! THAT'S THE CRYING PART!

Let these things motivate the fuck out of you and start paying that shit off.

Consider yourself eduKayted.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

eduKayt's Tip of the Day 2/16/10: FAT Tuesday!

Happy fucking Mardi Gras, bitches! Today is the day to eat a shitload of food, drink tons of alcohol, and FLASH everyone you know! How are you gonna do this if you're at work?! You're gonna call out sick, that's how! Follow these easy steps:

1) Call your boss and make sure you are coughing throughout 75% of the conversation.

2) Say you have a "stomach flu" or better yet, food poisoning from that crazy new sushi place you tried last night!

3) If you're already at work, go to the bathroom NOW and when you come back say you just got sick and you better get home NOW or it might happen again! A 24 hour bug solves everything!

Go get your drink on! You better have a collection of beads around your neck by the end of the day!

Consider yourself eduKayted.

Friday, February 12, 2010

eduKayt's Tip of the Weekend 2/12/10: Happy V-Day!

Happy fucking Valentine's Day, whores! The big V-Day is here on Sunday and what are you going to do?! Here are some life-saving tips to help you survive the weekend:

1) Go to the fucking dollar store! You wouldn't believe the amazing shit they have in there that doesn't look like it costs a dollar, BUT IT DOES! You can get candy, cards, stuffed animals, and probably even some personal lubricants for only ONE DOLLAR!

2) Take your sweetheart out to dinner... AT MCDONALDS! They have a fucking dollar menu! Just tell him/her that you are saving up for your life together and/or that huge engagement ring! He/she will be so happy that you're thinking ahead into the future! But actually, you will be thinking about only one thing... step #3...

3) Dump that bitch! V-Day is so fucking expensive that you're better off single! Dump your significant other and head down to the bar where single girls/guys will be so wasted and lonely that they will fucking throw themselves at YOU!

Consider yourself eduKayted.

eduKayt's Tip of the Day 2/15/10: Buckle Up!

You might think this is pretty obvious, but there are still people out there who don't wear their fucking seat belts! If you don't have your seat belt on and you get into an accident you are a MILLION times more likely to be thrown from the vehicle or at least tossed the fuck around. So, please, BUCKLE UP! It will save your LIFE and save your WALLET! We all know... click it or ticket! And those pigs are getting desperate and will have no qualms about writing you a huge ticket for not having your sexy seat belt on!

Consider yourself eduKayted.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

eduKayt's Tip of the Day 2/11/10: Save Your Miles!

When was the last time you checked the status of your airline miles? EXACTLY. Go look that shit up pronto because they could be about to EXPIRE! Once again, we're in a fucking recession, sluts. So that means everyone is trying to stretch their benjamins, including the airlines. They don't want to give you free miles! They want to steal them! Make sure your accumulated miles aren't in jeopardy of expiring. And if they are, fucking CALL ME. I'll give you the trip of your life.

Consider yourself eduKayted.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

eduKayt's Tip of the Day 2/10/10: Shovel This!

Since the entire east coast is covered in a snowpocalypse, you should know how to fucking shovel! There's a right way and there's a wrong way... and the wrong way will land you in the fucking ER.

1) STAY WARM: Keep warm inside and even do some fucking yoga or stretches before you go out and shovel so your muscles are ready to go.

2) LOOK SEXY: Make sure you put on some knee-high sexy boots with TRACTION so you don't fall on your ass... and a good coat would help.

3) BE FLEXIBLE: Bend your knees when you shovel... think of it like squats at the gym. This will take strain off your back.

4) CALM DOWN: Don't plan on shoveling your whole fucking neighborhood at once. Shovel a little section, then go back inside and drink some warm baileys.

5) PAIN = NO GAIN: If your back or left arm start hurting, STOP! You could have fucked up your back or you could be in the middle of a heart attack! Get on your snowmobile and head to the ER!

Consider yourself eduKayted.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

eduKayt's Tip of the Day 2/9/10: CLR!

The entire country is covered in either SNOW or RAIN right about now. Guess what that means? There's going to be rust fucking everywhere! If you have rust around the shower or sink, pour some CLR on it and watch it DISAPPEAR! CLR is tough as fucking nails and will take care of your calcium, lime, or rust! Pour it on everything and watch it SPARKLE!

Consider yourself eduKayted.

Monday, February 8, 2010

eduKayt's Tip of the Day 2/8/10: W2s for You!

I know you're still nursing your super bowl hangover, but get your ass down to the mailbox! Employers had to send out all W2s for 2009 by January 31st. So if you haven't gotten all of your W2s yet, make some fucking phone calls! Try to remember all those fucked up, random jobs you had last year... like walking dogs, performing on the street corner, selling sperm... if you made money (legally) then you should get a W2! Once you have all your W2s, march down to your accountant and get that fucking tax return started!

Consider yourself eduKayted.

Friday, February 5, 2010

eduKayt Episode #7

Episode #7 starring the Fantasy Football Girl!

eduKayt's Tip of the Weekend 2/5/10: I'm in Miami Bitch!


There is still some time left to jump on a plane and get your fucking ass to MIAMI! Obviously the Super Bowl is this Sunday and it's in fucking Florida so get your ass to the airport NOW! You still have time to book a flight and head to the stadium to get a great deal from some SCALPERS!

Check out this site for BUDGET SAVING tips!

Go. Now. Tailgate. Saints!

Consider yourself eduKayted.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

eduKayt's Tip of the Day 2/4/10: Pass the Chips!


Now is the time to plan your fucking feast for the Super Bowl on Sunday! I know you're having a kick ass party and you need some kick ass food to go with it or your guests will fucking eat you alive.

Check out the Food Network's website for some great recipes!

Stay tuned for the release of eduKayt Episode #7 TOMORROW starring THE FANTASY FOOTBALL GIRL!

Consider yourself eduKayted.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

eduKayt's Tip of the Day 2/3/10: Not the... PRIUS!

So Toyota recently recalled like ALL of their vehicles, and now the coveted PRIUS might be affected! Apparently a bunch of people who bought the PRIUS in 2009-2010, are experiencing BRAKE FAILURE! Not really a big fucking deal right......? WRONG! If you have a Toyota on the list of recalls or a new PRIUS, go get that fucking thing checked out TODAY! Toyota says don't drive the vehicle unless you're on your way to the dealer!

Consider yourself eduKayted.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

eduKayt's Tip of the Day 2/2/10: Damn You, Phil!

That fat bastard, Phil, crawled out of his fucking cave and announced there are SIX MORE WEEKS OF WINTER. This means you better keep those ice scrapers, rain boots, and parkas handy cause it's gonna stay cold. Just when you thought maybe you could start unpacking those wife beaters and cut-off denim skirts... you can't. Fuck you, Phil.

Consider yourself eduKayted.

Monday, February 1, 2010

eduKayt's Tip of the Day 2/1/10: Cut It Out

It's time to cut it out bitches! I'm talking about COUPONS! Do you have any fucking clue how many benjamins you can save every trip to the grocery store alone?! In case you've forgotten, we're in a recession, sluts. You have to stop throwing all of that "junk" mail away and start fucking READING IT! You can find tons of coupons in there that will save you tons of cash! How do you think I afford my golden cheetahs?!

Consider yourself eduKayted.


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